


The Blame Game is Back

by Anxiouslykitty



Series: The Broken Hearts Club [2]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Arguing, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fighting, Grief/Mourning, blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:40:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27586232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxiouslykitty/pseuds/Anxiouslykitty
Summary: Chrisjen faces one of her deepest fears...
Relationships: Chrisjen Avasarala/Cotyar
Series: The Broken Hearts Club [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2008975
Kudos: 8





	The Blame Game is Back

Cotyar walked behind Chrisjen out of the bar. Chrisjen was walking with her head held high, but her hands were fidgeting with the fabric of her outfit. Chrisjen knew Cotyar wasn’t happy with her, but he was still making sure she was safe helping her into the car. He climbed in behind her and when the door closed he said nothing. Chrisjen leaned forward and closed the window between the driver and themselves. She turned to Cotyar and saw that he was looking intensely at his hand terminal. She smirked at his small childish act of defiance. 

“Are you going to pout the whole fucking time” Chrisjen rasped.

Cotyar didn't look up from his terminal, he didn't even flinch. Since that first night they hadn't spent more than a few hours away from each other. They had always fought and disagreed and they did now more than ever. However, they always made up relatively easily especially now that they had experienced what being without each other for so long had felt like. This was the first time she had seen Cotyar actually ignore her. It shocked her that it made her tense thinking he was truly mad. 

"You're just going to ignore me like a fucking child" Chrisjen pushed. 

Cotyar looked up from his terminal at her. His brown eyes seemed darker than normal as they stared her down. She resisted the urge to squirm in her seat. She wasn't afraid of him, Cotyar would never hurt her. She was afraid of what his reaction would be. She knew he would get her the connection to Fred Johnson, but what would it cost. 

"I don't remember you being this manipulative and cruel," Cotyar said in a low voice. 

"Snake in a sari" Chrisjen laughed. 

"You've always been strong-willed, but I've never seen you freely manipulate someone's life like that or throw yours away so casually" Cotyar explained. 

"I'm not throwing my life away" Chrisjen snapped. 

"What do you call committing treason" Cotyar sneered.

"Earth comes first" Chrisjen declared. 

"That belief already cost us one life" Cotyar whispered looking back down at his hand terminal. 

Chrisjen's chin trembled and her eyes filled with tears. Cotyar had never used Charanpal's death against her. Not even when she was screaming at him after she was told Charanpal died. He hadn't even spoken Charanpal's name since he came to work for her. She had always blamed herself for Charanpal's death. She had never told anyone that and outwardly there were always others to blame. Deep down though she knew if it hadn't been for her desire to put Earth first her son wouldn't be dead. There was nothing she could ever do to make up for that death. To hear that innermost thought come out of the mouth of someone she loved hurt. It cut straight to her heart.

As a defense she put up her shields. Chrisjen swallowed hard and willed the tears to disappear. She hardened her face and stared fiercely at Cotyar. 

"Fuck you" Chrisjen snarled. "If you had been any good at your job my son wouldn't be dead. The only person to blame here is you."

She felt like she was vibrating. Her emotions were overwhelming her. She tried hard to hold to the anger, but the sadness and hurt sat right below the surface choking her. It took everything she had not to scream or cry. She kept her lips closed tightly and stared Cotyar down. Cotyar leaned forward and opened the window between them and the driver. 

"Pull over" Cotyar instructed the driver. 

"What are you doing" Chrisjen asked. 

The driver pulled over to the side of the road and Cotyar opened the door. As Cotyar got out of the car Chrisjen tried to swallow the lump she felt in her throat. 

"You'll have your secure channel" Cotyar said slamming the door shut.

Chrisjen covered her mouth and steadied her breathing. Her stubbornness had once again caused her to say things she regretted. She could scream for how angry she was at herself. She didn't really believe that it was Cotyar's fault that Charanpal died. There was nothing anybody could have done to save him. She didn't know why she kept throwing Charanpal's death back in Cotyar's face. The sound of the driver politely clearing his throat brought Chrisjen out of her thoughts. 

"I'd like to go home," Chrisjen whispered. 

As the driver pulled away from the curb Chrisjen sat back in her seat. She looked out the window and quickly wiped away the single tear that had escaped. She wasn't going to let herself cry over a man she wasn't even supposed to be with. It was foolish to think that they could go back to the way things were before Charanpal died. It was wrong then and it was even worse now. She was cheating on her husband with a man over twenty years younger. 

Chrisjen didn't know why she felt like this. She had fought so hard for so many years to dedicate herself to protecting Earth and to her marriage and her family. Why was she threatening all of it for a man she shouldn't be with? Why did she have to love him as much as she did? She never thought she could love two people so completely, but she felt the same love for Arjun as she did Cotyar. She couldn't let her love for either man come between her and her duty to protect Earth though. So even though she was hurting and she knew she had hurt Cotyar she hoped that he would get her the secure channel to Fred Johnson. 

As they pulled into her driveway she could see her security standing outside. Cotyar must have called them to tell them she would be returning without him. She smiled at the fact that he knew her well enough to know she would be too emotional to want to go back to work and would return home. It also made her hopeful to think he cared enough to make sure she was safe. It was his job, but she would have deserved it if he had just walked away and not given her a second thought. 

The first thing she did when she got inside was go to her office. She turned on the terminal and called Arjun. She had to wait almost three minutes before Arjun's image appeared on the terminal. She almost cried just seeing him, but she put a smile on her face. 

"Hello" Arjun greeted. "What do I owe this afternoon call to."

Chrisjen hesitated allowing for the delay between Earth and Luna. 

"I needed to see you," Chrisjen replied. 

"Chrisjen, what's wrong" Arjun asked, obviously concerned. 

Chrisjen felt horrible for making Arjun worry. He was so far away and she knew it wasn't fair of her to burden him. It wasn't like he could do anything for her from Luna and she wouldn't let him come back to Earth when it wasn't safe. Even so she needed to hear him put her worries to rest. She needed to be reassured. 

"Is it my fault that Charanpal died" Chrisjen croaked. Her chin trembled, but she tried to hide the pain. 

She could tell by the pained expression on Arjun's face that he hadn't expected this question. The longer it took for Arjun to respond the more Chrisjen began to feel uncomfortable. At first she thought it was the delay and then she thought the connection may have been lost. Now though she felt like she would be sick waiting to hear Arjun say something.

“Arjun” Chrisjen whimpered.

“What is bringing this up” Arjun finally asked.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Chrisjen whispered.

“I don’t blame you” Arjun replied.

“So it is my fault that our son is dead,” Chrisjen said.

“Chrisjen…” Arjun began.

Chrisjen felt nauseous and her head spun. Chrisjen ended the call and got up from the terminal. That wasn’t what she was expecting. She had called Arjun because she believed that he would tell her she was wrong and make her feel better. Instead he just confirmed what she always believed and what Cotyar believed. It was her fault her son was dead. She wrapped her arms around herself and dug her fingers into her sides. Her face crumpled in a silent sob as she failed to bring any air into her lungs. Everything in her was screaming and her body ached from the weight that was pushing on her heart. She hadn’t felt this much pain since they told her Charanpal was dead.

Finally she broke through the pain and took in a gasp of air. She screamed a blood curdling scream that shocked her. The tears poured down her face and she reached out for the nearest object and threw it across the room. The picture frame hit the wall and shattered. She dropped to her knees and covered her face. Her security came running into the room with their guns raised.

“Get the fuck out” Chrisjen screamed.

She knew that she must look a right mess sobbing on the floor. Her security hesitated in the room looking from her to the broken glass on the ground. They slowly lowered their weapons and left the room. Chrisjen laid down on her side pulling her knees close and wrapping her arms around herself. She stayed there on the ground surrounded by broken glass and cried until she couldn’t cry anymore.

When the door opened again Chrisjen didn’t even move. She was so tired and she felt numb. She didn’t care who was coming in. She knew she was safe because her security wouldn’t let anyone past them, but at the moment she didn’t care if she was safe or not. She felt a hand on her waist and another brush her hair gently. Very few people would dare to touch her like that and Chrisjen knew it was Cotyar. She didn’t have the energy to move to acknowledge him. How he knew to come she didn’t know. One of the security probably called him to tell him how they had found her. 

She felt him slip one arm under her shoulders and another under her knees as he lifted her off the ground. She clutched at his shirt and buried her face into his neck. Cotyar carried her out of the office and up the stairs to her bedroom. He had been in her house a few times, but he had never been in her bedroom. It was the room she shared with Arjun and she had always been clear about not crossing that line before, but tonight she didn’t care. She didn’t have the energy to argue or fight or breathe,

Cotyar gently laid Chrisjen on the bed and pulled a blanket up from the end of the bed to cover her. As she felt him pull away from her she gripped hard to the arm closest to her. She didn’t want him to leave now that he was here. She didn’t care that they had fought or what he said she just wanted to be held. Without pulling away from Chrisjen Cotyar lifted his body over her and laid on the bed facing her. Chrisjen released his arm and curled into Cotyar. Cotyar wrapped her in his arms and pulled her close to his body. He felt warm and safe and Chrisjen melted into him. 

“Do you want to talk about it” Cotyar asked gently.

Chrisjen shook her head.

“I think you need to,” Cotyar pushed.

Chrisjen turned her face up so that she could just see the outline of Cotyar’s jaw above her. Cotyar moved to release her but she clung to him and he tightened his grip. She didn’t want to look at him while she talked.

“You were right,” Chrisjen began. “I’m the reason that my son is dead.”

“I didn’t say that,” Cotyar explained.

“It’s what you meant and it’s what you think. It’s what I think. It’s what Arjun thinks” Chrisjen let out a sob before covering her mouth.

“I don’t think that you’re the reason that Charanpal is dead. We all played our parts and we all have our own blame, but you didn’t kill your son” Cotyar encouraged.

Cotyar kissed Chrisjen on the top of her head before pulling her even closer to his body. She could feel every inch of his body touching her and she felt so secure that she allowed herself to believe what Cotyar was saying. 

“Arjun thinks Charanpal is dead because of me” Chrisjen whimpered.

Generally she wouldn’t talk about Arjun when she was with Cotyar. It wasn’t fair to either man to talk about Arjun while in the arms of another man. Right now though she needed Cotyar to understand that it mattered to her what both Arjun and Cotyar thought and felt about her. She needed them both equally and that thought scared her. She needed Cotyar to know how scared she was because Arjun couldn’t know.

“He doesn’t blame you,” Cotyar scoffed.

“No, but he thinks it’s my fault” Chrisjen responded.

“He said that” Cotyar asked.

“I asked him if it was my fault and he didn’t respond,” Chrisjen explained.

Cotyar rubbed his hand up and down her back and kissed her head.

“I don’t think you should put words in his mouth Chrisjen” Cotyar encouraged. “Arjun loves you and he loved Charanpal. It’s complicated for all of us to think about how Charanpal died. I don’t want you to let yourself be weighted down by guilt. It’s no way to live your life, trust me.”

“I’m sorry” Chrisjen whispered.

“Why are you sorry” Charnnap asked.

“For crying all over you again. For making you have to talk me out of my self doubt. For letting you feel like I’ve blamed you for Charanpal’s death” Chrisjen explained. 

“I love you Chrisjen” Cotyar began. “I would do anything for you. You didn’t have to blame me, I blame myself. Let’s not talk about this anymore. You need to rest.”

Chrisjen didn’t want to stop talking about it. She wanted to talk Cotyar out of his guilt like he did for her. When she felt him pull away though she was left speechless. She tried to grab his shirt and hold him there, but he grabbed both of her wrists and pulled her hands away from him. He climbed over her and stood next to the bed. Chrisjen rolled over and looked up at him as tears filled her eyes. Cotyar leaned down and kissed her gently on her lips.

“You need to rest and I don’t belong in this bed,” Cotyar explained. “I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Cotyar walked out of the room leaving Chrisjen feeling alone. She took a few steadying breaths before she pulled herself from the bed and began stripping out of her outfit. She walked naked into her bathroom and started the shower. She felt the need to wash away the tears and pain of the day, The water felt good as her hair fell down around her. She stood under the water until it went cold. She brushed out her hair and put on a nightgown before climbing back into the bed. As she curled into the pillows she could smell both Arjun and Cotyar and she fell asleep dreaming of both of the men she loved.


End file.
